I WAS GOING TO WRITE WHAT I MEAN BUT I GOT A LITTLE BIT TIRED OR STRESSED SO I MASTURBATED THEN I THOUGHT OF ALL THE NEAT THINGS I WAS GOING TO DO AND ALL THE NEW THINGS I WILL DO INSTEAD AND I IMMEDIATELY FELT TIRED I STARTED TO SQUEEZE MY HEAD WITH MY FINGERTIPS AS HARD AS I COULD HOPING MY HEAD MIGHT BURST INTO RED GLOP BUT IT DIDNT, OF COURSE.

THEN I TENDED TO SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS AND FELT DISTRACTED FROM MY PRIMARY OBJECTIVE - WHICH IS WASTING TIME SO I MADE AN ABRUPT EXIT AND EMBARRASSED MYSELF IN FRONT OF OTHERS THEN I DROVE HOME AND THOUGHT ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD BECAUSE I WAS PASSING THROUGH AN OLD FAMILIAR NEIGHBORHOOD AND I DECIDED I HATED IT NOW AND I SPED READILY PAST ALL SCHOOL ZONES IGNORING CHILDREN AND OLD LADIES THINKING MAYBE I'D FINALLY HIT A PEDESTRIAN DEAD AND THEN MY LIFE'D HAVE SOME SORT OF DIRECTION BUT I DIDNT HIT ANYONE AND I DROVE SAFELY TO MY HOUSE WHERE I SAID HELLO TO MY RELATIVES BUT DIDN'T VENTURE INTO A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUCKING CONNECTION AND I PROBABLY DON'T WANT THERE TO BE A FUCKING CONNECTION BECAUSE I DON'T THINK SOMEONE DRIFTING AIMLESSLY TOWARD SELF DESTRUCTION SHOULD REALLY HAVE A SOLID CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY ARE BENT WE ARE ALL BENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN

THEN I LOG INTO THE INTERNET AND CHECK MY EMAIL 20 FUCKING TIMES TO MAKE SURE I DON'T HAVE ANY NEW EMAIL I MIGHT HAVE MISSED THE PREVIOUS 20 TIMES I CHECKED MY EMAIL LAST FOUR HOURS AGO AND BECAUSE MY INBOX IS STILL NOT GETTING ANY NEW MAIL, I IMMEDIATELY FEEL ANGRY AT EVERYBODY THAT DOESNT RECOGNIZE MY GREATNESS LIKE I HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING GREAT MY WHOLE LIFE I'M SURE I HAVENT REALLY BUT SOME PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE AND SOMETIMES I FEEL GOOD BUT MOST OF THE TIME I JUST DOODLE AND WALK AROUND AND THINK ABOUT MYSELF AS A KID AND HOW I'M PROBABLY STILL A KID NOW BECAUSE IF I WERE A KID NOW, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN ALL MY IRRESPONSIBILITY.

THEN I DECIDED I SHOULD DO SOME WRITING AND I THOUGHT WELL WHAT HAVE I GOT TO SAY TO ANYBODY THAT WOULD AMOUNT TO ANY GREAT LUMP SUM OF IMPORTANCE. I PULLED OUT A NOTEBOOK I HAD WRITTEN IN A FEW DAYS AGO AND READ WHAT I WROTE. SOMETHING ABOUT A FAT MAN PUSHING BUTTONS ON A TINY GADGET, LOOKING ENTRANCED. SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN WITH AN OPENED BOX OF DOG TREATS IN FRONT OF HIM AND NO DOG IN SIGHT: PRESUMABLY HE ATE THE TREATS WITH HIS COFFEE. AT LEAST SOME OF US AREN'T EMBARRASSEDTO EAT THE SAME FOOD DOGS EAT, I REMEMBERED THINKING. I MOSTLY REMEMBER FEELING ANGRY OR GUILTY OR DISAPPOINTED OR DESPERATE.

i.
the suburbs are still at night. in the distance, you can hear a slow rumbling from the lives of men and women as industry turns, even though most of us are sleeping and barely alive. one time i was at a house on a lake and i couldn't hear any cars or motors or anything, just the soggy sound of my feet squishing through mud as i made my way closer toward the water. the noise of birds and insects drowned out any sense of this man.