Let

“Let’s write a Hollywood movie”
“OK”
“Any ideas?”
“Yeah…I mean, I’ve been wrestling with this car chase scene.”
“Anybody dies?”
“Yeah. The main character dies within the first two minutes of the chase.”
“Oh. Buzzkill.”
“I suppose.”
“Did you think maybe you should keep him alive or something?”
“Why?”
“To keep the story moving.”
“Oh. Umm.”
“It’d probably be a good idea.”
“You think?”
“Sure. Hey, let me see that script of yours.”
“Sure, hang on, it’s here, in my bag.”
“OK.”
“Yeah, here it is. It’s not very good—“
“oh, nonsense. You probably just need some rewrites.”
“Maybe…”
“This scene here, where the doctor protagonist tells his wife he wants to work extra night shifts…I’m going to write in here to have the wife suspect an affair.”
“I suppose that sounds reasonable.”
“And the next scene I’m crossing out, rewriting it as a scene between the doctor protagonist and his secretary.”
“But…”
“It’s OK, they’re going to have sex.”
“Are you sure? Have you even read the rest of it?”
“Let me tell you, andy. You’ve got some good stuff here, alright?”
“I do?”
“yes. This is Hollywood material.”
“It is?”
“I have an agent that could make you famous, Andy.”
“really?”
“yes, 'Famous'”
“Andy, screenwriter….”
“Yes, Andy screenwriter, but first, we need to get through these rewrites.”
“OK…”
“So, while the doctor and the secretary are getting it on in the worst way – anal – Detective Mick enters the operating room. Seems the wife has been doing a little investigating.”
“Wow. This is going in a whole new, totally dynamic direction!”
“They don’t pay me to film shit, son.”

....

“So how about when the detective reports back his findings- the affair- the doctor has a mid-life crisis, then the story goes into the dissent of his marriage…”
“I was thinking maybe the doctor should be abusive.”
“Abusive?”
“Yes. An abusive, cheating deadbeat doctor. Drinks rail scotches and beats his wife.”
“…rail scotch?”
“So the wife becomes bitter, but empowered!”
“But the movie wasn’t even about the wife!”
“Ok, that’s fine, but you need to shut up.”
“You need to shut up.”
“No, you need to shut up. Listen to what I’m saying: You could make seven figures on this screen play Randy.”
“Andy.”
“Right. We just need to wrap this up in the right package to sell it en masse.”
“How?”
“I’m going to take this home, OK? Maybe work out a couple stale scenes. I’ll call you Monday.”
“OK. Don’t you want my help though?”
“No thanks, this is all crap right now anyways. I’ll make it golden. Thanks a lot Randy.”
“Andy.”
“Yep. Later buddy.”


-june 25, 2004