it all began the day i decided to become famous

and nothing happened. but i decided i should be somebody or something get this mucus menstruating from my lungs out of my chest and into the palm of my hand, throw my fame around like fecal monkeys caged up in a zoo. and i waited. soon herein, i procured my favourite record collection and began to recite all the lyrics from the top of my head, putting heavy emphasis on the so-called high points that i felt represented not only the essence of the song, but my situation and my own beliefs about heartache, phallic misrepresentation, the unnerving dream / germ, and every other tired minstrel barely glowing now, a light that is near exhaustion: a bunch of hydrogen gas in space continually blowing up for thousands of years until there is no more, only ether will or will not determine. standing at the edge of the driveway looking back at the house wondering if i'd ever see it again. stumbling through every socially awkward situation a bit shyer than i was before. justifying my social inepitude too many pathetic ways. i was tired, the conversation wasn't interesting, i didn't know them and they didn't know me and from my general gist of the conversation just before i began to daydream they weren't so much talking about anything important, instead merely joking about things like private parts and famous singers in brief jaunts that went nowhere. not talking because i was distracted or i wasn't listening or because she was talking about a place somewhere i've only heard about in books and television, and i didn't want to seem juvenile so i shut up and looked around the room blankly; always the last in the group to answer a question directed toward everyone. no longer becoming myself when talking to more than one person at a time, becoming some dumb actor because i can only recognize one person's reaction at a time. finally achieving some solution and speaking loudly about it to deaf ears that only listen to themselves thinking of ways to steal limelight. patience. lots of patience needed here. milking a cow for viscous honey, frustrated.