placement

This basket..

contains the addresses of all known virgins.
contains a secret about everybody.
holds 6 pounds of sausage or a loaf of bread.
was owned by Mr. Gacy and contained 37 human ears when discovered by authorities.
contains a worm hole to dimension x.
contains your death row pardon. and 3 poisonous snakes.
was given to me by gerald ford.
was used in the broadway opening of Oklahoma.
places an eternal curse on the souls of the infidels.
was forged in the fires of Mount Saint Helen.
etc.

Time traveling husband

I.
Weekend nights were devoted to the meticulous painting of pewter miniatures.

Wednesday nights he'd hop into the time machine and scare his former self about the life that was to come.

II.
His wife would leave him if she knew he had a time travel problem again.

After accidentally erasing fond memories of her 16th birthday, they amended their prenuptial agreement to include a mad scientist clause.

Now, he'd never be able to convince her of the vital necessity of 3 body doubles, let alone the 5 extra he'd need to stop the pending war against the machines.

Super Juices

I.
A call for blood from the crowd
Satisfied, the lions tear him limb from limb.
The emperor pacified the city and raised property tax by 2.3%

II.
Just remember that when they're chanting the name of Kali
They don't drink from the cup of 71 virgins for the antioxidants.
They drink for divine retribution (and it's also carb free)

III.
(on prodigal children)
Carbonated soft drinks were served to the younger members of the nuclear panel.